August 2020

So, after lamenting only at the beginning of the week how I don’t always have a lot to say, oh boy do I need to write things off my chest right now. The week itself has not really been that eventful – although a little note on the side for all those having to wear a mask in public complainers: If me and my colleagues can work in them for hours on end, lugging crates of bread or potatoes around so you can buy your shopping, then you will
cope wearing one for the 20 minutes or so you spend in a store. Suck it up. 

Now this little matter is out of the way, let me address what has been on my mind most of the week. Seven days from now I am finally going home after five long months and honestly, I cannot wait. I miss home more than ever and if I needed any further conformation that return home for good in the near future is a good decision, thank you Corona, you did a good job.

The one thing I had extremely mixed emotions about all week is the prospect of being in the immediate vicinity of my mother again. If you read my block before you will know we don’t have the smoothest of relationships and her concept of tough love just does not work when your child suffers from depression. I had a few bad moments recently and thankfully they passed as quickly as they appeared. But when your soul is hurting so much that your body physically aches, that is a pretty shitty feeling. Literally soul destroying. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. When I feel like that, I have learnt by now to not tell my mum unless my episode seems to be lasting longer because her approach is very old fashioned: pull yourself together, I don’t understand why you have issues right now, nothing bad has happened. Well thank you so much, if I did understand what was going on don’t you think I would know a hell of a lot better how to deal with it?

So as you can imagine, I am emotionally rather charged about going home this time round. Obviously this global pandemic thing does not help things, I don’t really fancy hanging out in public too much although I have made long overdue catch up plans with a number of my friends. But overall, my options of getting some space and time to myself will be few and far between. I know already that it won’t just be plain sailing while I’m there – I am too much of a screw-up for that and my mum too opinionated to keep quiet – and this time I am particularly not looking forward to any arguments. I am just too tired and worn out for it. I’m also really bad with confrontations at the best of times, but when I’m emotionally involved with the person I argue with – and yes, I do love my mum – I find it incredibly difficult to bring out a word. The more hurtful and personal the other person gets, the more I shut down. And unfortunately, my mum is good at that. One of her favourite sayings is that just because we are related, she does not have to sugar coat what she is saying.  And she is definitely no sugar mama. So wish me luck, I will need it!

I have to apologise again for letting life get in the way of writing my blog regularly, but we are only a couple of days into September so giving you a run down of the rest of August is still well within reason me thinks. And hey, at least I have something more to write about than what I had for dinner the last couple of weeks!

I actually have been quite busy the last two or three weeks (well, in comparison to the year so far, it does not take a lot to class yourself as ‘busy’) – not just with work but much more so with finally being able to go home again after the enforced Corona hiatus. As you can imagine, given Madame’s well documented fear of flying and not having been on a plane since early March, plus not knowing how things would go amid this pandemic, the prospect of air travel did not at all sound like much fun but I have to confess I was pleasantly surprise at how smoothly it went. Both London and Frankfurt were not the usual super busy hub and the flights itself took well under an hour. Of course, social distancing is a bit of a joke but then, I honestly cannot say this is being adhered to anywhere so what difference does it make. You have to ask to use the toilet on the plane and obviously wear your mask the entire time, but it is all absolutely endurable. And I am pretty sure the shorter flights are due to less air traffic so less pollution – win win if you ask me.

Now I have a confession to make. The first of a couple for this trip actually. This was the first time since I left Germany that returning was a definite ‘I am finally home’ moment. Before, it was always a case of referring to wherever I was not as home, but now, the scales have tipped. Home is Germany, Baden, the Black Forest. London is just a place where I work. I never expected this to happen so quickly and decisively and I have to say it did come a bit as a shock. To realise just how much I miss it all. The places, the people. My parents.

Of course, there was not a lot happening as such, given social distancing in place but I did manage a few excursions. With an old work colleague from twenty years ago, ending up in the rival of the golden arches, where we had to fill in an address form for eating in. Note to self: eating in the car will be perfectly acceptable for the foreseeable future. With one of my oldest friends who has been in my life for nearly thirty years, on and off, sometimes going a couple of years without contact but never loosing sight of each other. We had a fabulous afternoon in a cute little side road cafe, having Crodino, putting the world to rights and getting a little tipsy in the process. Cut short by a wasp attack – to which my friend unfortunately is allergic. Quite literally.

Owning up to a couple of other events, I admit to having a couple of dates. I am not going to go into too much detail here, because I intent to entertain you a little with them later in the month. The first actually consisted of two separate dates, but let us just for now there will not be a third. The other might, possibly, have been with Clark Kent. Yes, I know, What can I say. I am a weak and feeble woman and no I am not regretting it and let’s hold that thought with this one. Because, quite frankly my friends, it was a lot more fun and productive than the other one and also a little surprising. But more to that later.

Other than that, I just enjoyed my time being there. Doing not much is terribly exhausting. Although I went for a lot of walks, rediscovering my old haunting grounds, finding what has changed, what remains the same and everything in between. Scouting out places for myself and the little one. And I tell you, it was utterly joyful. I cannot wait for October when me and him will be back for a longer break and go on adventures here together.

The rest of the month is summed up fairly briefly. I finished the mammoth task of clearing out the pit of doom that is our loft. I am quite pleased with that achievement although now I have the pleasure of going through a million and one things and decide if I really need it or not. Considering some stuff has resided up there for near enough eight years, I guess the answer is mainly no which then brings us to the issue of how to get rid of it. Oh the joys of adult life.

We also got ready for school. It seems like aeons ago we had to put on ties and shirts and I hope they still know how to tie a know because I am bloody rubbish with them. I hope we haven’t forgotten anything but if so, I guess it should not matter too much. Hopefully. Life seems to be getting a little bit more back to normal.

Much love, marvelous people. Candidly yours, TC.

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