February 2021 I

I am not going to beat around the bush, the last few days have just been utterly and completely shit. I went back to work a few days ago because I had enough of staying at home although I can’t deny that I am still feeling quite rough, coughing a lot and getting short of breath easily. My colleagues seem to think I might faint any second and in general don’t look really myself (read: you look like death warmed up in the nicest possible way) but I think it is slowly but steadily getting better.

Unfortunately, this is not too much of a concern for me right now anymore though, I know I will eventually be okay; but two things happened in the last week that have shaken me to the core.

The first one is directly in relation to me contracting Covid – the colleague I have been working with closest in the last days before me getting ill and who came down with it just before me now has to worry that her dad will not make it through this. He is only a few years older than me and had to be put in a medical coma on a ventilator and has since suffered multiple complications. His condition is very, very serious. I know she is absolutely distraught but she still shows up to work and I just had to tell her how much we all want to give her a big hug but we don’t because we worry too much it will take the last bit of strength away from her and she will just completely break down. So my patience with all those Covid deniers, rule breakers and general dickheads is by now non existent. Of course there is always hoping against all hope and that is what I am doing for now, because I simply owe it to my colleague (friend!!), no questions asked. Easy it is not. But I still try my hardest.

The second has hit me even more; because it is touching such a raw nerve. My best friend in Germany who I have known for over 30 years by now, lost her dad this week. I cannot even begin to tell me on how many levels this causes me pain. Of course it makes me worry infinitely more about my own parents and the fact that the time I have left with them is quietly slipping away, day by day. I push it to a little corner of my head because the thought makes me sick to the bottom of my stomach and my blood freezes.

What hurts much more right now is that my friend is in pain and need of support and I am stuck miles away and other than some flowers and texts or voice messages, I am of no use to her. I so desperately want to give her a hug and take her daughter for a walk and make sure she eats and look after her and I can’t do any of that. I feel helpless and useless and angry at things I have no influence over. I already know I will spend a very long time making this up to her, not because I have to or she expects it but because it is by choice my job for life to look out for her.

So, my marvelous people, look out for the ones you love. Be kind to yourself and those around you. Show you care. Stay safe, stay sane. Much love, TC.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s