I spend a lot of time in the last two weeks thinking. Well, I would like to assume that I generally on any given day spend a lot of time thinking but this has been a different kind of thinking. After my weekend in Edinburgh with the Cowboy, where conversations were had, mutual goals got established and the ‘L’ word mentioned from both sides, I am now finding myself at the same point than before.
Radio silence or narky snaps. I’d like to think I stuck to the concessions I made because it has become quite clear we are entirely different in character and those were needed to try and make this work but the way I see it, he has not at all tried to match my efforts.
Why that is, I honestly can’t say. What is becoming painfully clear to me though is that it just does not work like this and that is what it ultimately comes down to. No matter what promises you make, or even profess your love for one another, if you don’t put the smallest amount of effort in to accommodate each others needs, nothing of it is worth anything. I am trying my very best not to rise to it but it’s upsetting me. A lot to be honest. And I do not want to walk through life like this. Worried about possibly treading on another egg shell. Making excuses for someone who basically can’t apply the most basic rules of a relationship, be it romantic or platonic.
So where is the problem in this you might say? You know, this isn’t working for you, it makes you feel bad and ill and just unhappy. I know that. My head knows and if I write a list of pros and cons, the latter is pages long whilst the first comes up pretty thin. And still, I find it incredibly difficult to cut the rope and save myself from more hurt and upset. Impossible right now to be absolutely honest. Which makes this whole situation so much worse. I feel like a deer in the head lights, I don’t function properly, the solution is right in front of me and still I am incapable of doing something about it. Those who know me well would tell you that this isn’t me. This isn’t the person they have known for years who walked away from two poisonous marriages that were eating away at her soul. Yes it was hard both times don’t get me wrong but I still managed it and I came out at the end of it. Both of those relationships were significantly longer and more serious than this (obviously). So why can I not do the same now?
I can only come up with one possible explanation that somehow makes sense. At least a little. If I let go of this one, I inadvertently have to admit that yet again I have chosen the wrong person. Which means that pretty much my entire adult dating life has been a complete failure. And that’s a very bitter pill to swallow. Because I cannot help but think that there is only one constant in this and that is me. So if things never work out, surely that can only mean I’m the problem? Now I know the more romantically inclined might say ‘Oh you just haven’t met the right guy yet’ but really that is not it. After all, I am the one who chooses who I want to be with. How I behave in a relationship. How I act, what I say, what I do. Those are all my choices. And right now they all seem to have been just wrong. That is not just a pill anymore, that a whole damn cup of shit.
And the more I think about it, the more I have to admit that this is the only thing that makes sense. Somehow, I missed the brief on this. When the relationship manuals were handed out I wasn’t there. And now I’m trying to muddle my way through this but I get caught out every time. And you know something. It’s hopeless. I just can’t make this shit work. So, I’m done. I’m not trying anymore.